X ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?X__Heavily intoxicated by the seriousness to be found in great parts of our magnetically published media, we dug out the very opposite. We do not swear to common blonde-jokes or the usual simplicity of most jokes around. On the contrary, we find humor just as important as seriousness and with a delicate touch we present to you our carefully selected oddities.__Communication in the world today is really what makes everything go around. Without communication we wouldn't be functioning and we wouldn't be able to understand a thing. But, communication is also known to fail. Sometimes a comma or a sentence formulated in an obscene way can be enough. Humor on higher level, folks. Have fun...Sign in a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.Outside a farm:HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG - 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF.In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.On a church door:THIS IS THE GATE TO HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)English sign in a German cafe:MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATINGOutside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?Sign outside a new town hall, which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.Outside a photographer's studio:OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.Outside a disco:SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.Sign warning of quicksand:QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.Notice in a dry cleaner's window:ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.Notice in a field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.Message on a leaflet:IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.Sign on a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)Sign on a farmer's field:BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.Sign in a Japanese hotel:SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS.Sign in Egyptian hotel:IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"Sign on an Italian gas station:OPEN 24 HOURS. (And the sign below it said) CLOSED___And to wrap this up, we have two more oddities at hand...So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.___One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that
would make a veteran sailor blush.At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.___At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be
hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up
the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" * * *___An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man
with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the
young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot,
and I was wondering if you might be my son . . . "X by Shade (c) Insomnia'98
